New! Improved!

Every time I see that label blasted across an item, I switch directions because I don’t believe the product is new or improved. In fact, this is my personal litmus test that this actually gobbedlegook for “we’ve upped the price and crapped out the quality.”

Take my mascara remover. Please. Ba-dump-bump-bump. I’ve used the same brand of remover since the time I stole my sister’s mascara and hid in the backyard while slapping the tar-like goo on my eyelashes. Truth be told, I looked like a stand-in for the Bride of Frankenstein, but at the time I was convinced I was a goddess. My sister busted me and made me wipe it off. Holy shit!! I screamed as mascara globbed down my cheekbones, this won’t come off! No, no, stupid, my sis told me, use the mascara remover. Oh. Much better.

And that’s the way it worked for forty-two years. And then Maybelline came up with their New! Improved! mascara remover. New? Improved? What’s to improve, for chrissakes? Is this new stuff supposed to wipe away wrinkles? If so, sign me up.

Alas, no. The wrinkles remained. And so did the mascara. I had to use more and more just to get the mascara to smudge loose. WFT? I tossed Maybelline out and went for Cover Girl. They were New! Improved! too. Same results. What the hell? I decided to go for the heavy artillery and sucked it up for L’Oreal. After all, I’m worth it. Or so the gorgeous model on TV tells me. So now I’m out eight bucks for what I now believe is little more than purified toilet water, and I have mascara smeared under my eyes so that I look like I have a starring role in Night of the Living Dead.

You know what? The pox on this. I’m using good old-fashioned face cream to remove my makeup. It’s not New! It’s not Improved! It’s called Crackle, and I figure if it can keep my hands from feeling like alligator skin, it’ll do a number on makeup. I’m not going to get sucked in by those rat bastard advertisers who are eager to separate me from my hard earned peanuts. Madison Avenue can go suck stale Twinkie cream and fleece someone else.

Now…about those New! Improved! tampons…