Sunday, August 03, 2008

Women vs. Men

I love my husband. He always sends me the best men-bashing jokes. Personally, I adore men and wouldn’t dream of bashing them. But I have to admit that the differences between the sexes are great stuff for us writers, and I take full advantage in my own writing. These little ditties have probably been banging around the internet for a while, but, as usual, I don’t come out of my cage very often.

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM" He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. (Obviously, this man is a bovine. A spider is a hairy beast designed to suck the blood out of my jugular vein, then laugh about it as I lay dying on the kitchen floor. –lp)

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

*Reiki hugs = 20 (but only if he puts the toilet seat down)


Devorrah said...

I love this, Lynn. I was using a Biore nose strip the other day, and I slapped one on my husband against his feeble protests. Well, you'd think his spinal cord was coming off with his dead skin cells when we pulled them off. I mean, really, this is a man who bikes 700 miles in a few days. Honestly.

Lynn Price said...

Funny how guys can have half their face falling off after a biking accident and insist it's just a scratch, yet if they get the flu, they're convinced death is imminent. Wouldn't you love to see a man experience childbirth?